We Interrupt This Presidential Election to Bring You This Emergency Celebrity News Bulletin

What’s the news event that directly impacts less than a dozen people but will nevertheless dominate news coverage for the next three months? To quote every magazine cover in the checkout line at Target next week: BRANGELINA’S SHOCKING SPLIT. Tabloids are at Def Con 1, celebrity news outlets are losing their minds, and every carbon-based life form on earth will know all the squalid details of this couple’s turmoil in weeks to come.

And thank goodness for that, I say. Why? Because it will have no impact on world affairs and frankly, we need this like we need Novicaine during the lengthy, painful dental procedure that is this fall’s presidential election. It’s vile enough that these particular candidates are so noxiously flawed, but the fact that we as a society selected these people makes it all the more galling. It’s like waking up with the world’s most painful hangover and your husband tells you to stop moaning and take an Advil instead of pitying you and cooking you a three-egg omelette. You want sympathy, but you know you don’t really deserve it.

So, Brangelina, thank you for divorcing right as election coverage has, like a pulsing pimple, reached its pus-filled peak.

Let’s dive right in, shall we?

Here is what we know: Angie filed for divorce one week after “an incident” that “affected the whole family.” She wants the kids, (and some jewelry, because while you’re asking for stuff … )

What was the incident? The tabloids wasted no time speculating and quoting unnamed sources.

Theory 1: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

If one million Jennifer Aniston gifs on Twitter are to be believed, Brad cheated. One tabloid says he cheated with his recent co-star Marion Cotillard. But now another tabloid says it was Selena Gomez. Huh? Didn’t Brangelina adopt Selena Gomez? I’m so confused.

Marion Cotillard is allegedly “devastated” she’s been named as the Other Woman. “Devastated,” mind you. Not punching the air and yelling “SWEET! YES! AWESOME! People find it PLAUSIBLE that Brad Pitt would sleep with me! Woo hoo!” Please respect her privacy during this difficult time in her career.

Verdict: It’s possible. But these days, I think it’s better to have people believe you are sleeping with Brad Pitt than it is to actually sleep with Brad Pitt, especially when he has that rat’s nest of a beard going on. He can still clean up when he chooses to, but in the past five years he always looks like he has flies circling his head a la PigPen from the Peanuts cartoons.

Theory 2: Brad’s a bad dad. (Say that 5x fast.)

Some news outlets claim that Angie is alleging Brad is a drunk, weed-smoking rage monster who yells at the kids. She left to protect them.

Re: yelling at the kids. I am always shocked and appalled when Kevin yells at our son. I can’t believe he can’t control his temper. And Kevin is always shocked and appalled at me when I yell at our son. He can’t believe I can’t control my temper.
Sometimes moral superiority just comes down to who stepped on a Lego in bare feet, and who did not.

If the story said Brad was a raging drunk, that would be more believable to me. But have you ever met a pot-smoking rage monster? Say what you will about pot smokers — they eat all the chips and dip, they lie down on the floor to nap in the middle of a conversation – the fact is you very rarely see them raging through the streets swinging fists at lampposts.

Verdict: The tabloids need to clean up this story to make it plausible.

Here’s your chance to discuss the story without being judged by your co-workers and friends for being shallow. With them, you can have scintillating discussions about whether the United Nations is doing enough for Syrian refugees. But here you can post in the comments all your thoughts and theories on the World Brangelina Crisis. Ready: go!

 

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